Part 3: Approach vs Retreat

Approach and retreat is a very powerful intervention to develop trust, confidence, and willingness. Horses play this game with each other - I have also observed them playing with new clients. It is simply that a person or horse approaches the other, may or may not make physical contact (for a short moment) and then walk away. This is repeated many times, depending on the individuals and their brief interaction when they are together.

Horses with eyes and ears forward, ok to approach!

When working with horses, the relationship and communication is what becomes important in the long run. As Pat Parelli always says, "Horses don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." 

I think people are much the same. Take whatever angle you are pursuing, and fill in the blanks. When a horse starts to turn their head away, or look away, take a step back, or turn and walk away. The horse's sense of curiosity gets the best of them. Perhaps they are thinking, "Hey, why aren't you just trying to get me?"

When the horse expects the interaction to create pressure, they stay away. Remember, horses move away from pressure, and move into pain. What we would like is to walk out to the paddock and have the horses walk right up to us in a friendly, comfortable way. If we are consistent with them, and retreat when there is too much pressure, the horses will start to feel more confident about the interaction, and they WILL walk right up to us. 

Our outdoor arena is about 80' x 130', and I have often asked those who are new to Parelli to release a horse into this arena with them, and get the horse to come to them. Of course, they don't believe this is possible, but it is! I have them put pressure on the horse's bubble (space) behind the horse, or stare at their tail. Initially, the horse runs around, or runs away. Then, they start to change directions. If they turn towards the person, I have the person take a step back, or turn and walk away from the horse. When the horse starts to run away or stop paying attention to the person, the resume staring at their tail. Believe it or not, I've never seen this NOT work... since that's a lot of negatives, THIS WORKS EVERY TIME. It works so well, that often the horse will start to follow the person, no halters and no lead ropes needed. It is an amazing feeling when the horse follows like this.

Take a moment to put this concept into perspective with others, whether children, spouse, students, clients, or whomever. If the person you wish to engage is feeling pressure from you, release the pressure so the conversation or interaction can happen. Some people will move in despite the pressure, but the relationship will be impaired in the long term. Start to look at your interactions with others and see if you are creating pressure, then approach and retreat until the situation feels more comfortable. Is now the right time to discuss this? Perhaps waiting till the crisis is over, or talking about things before a crisis begins? These are advanced versions of approach and retreat.