Part 2: Ball vs Chair

The Ball versus the chair has been a really great simulation for me, and for both children and adults. It is a great tidbit of information I gleaned from the Parelli Level 2 home study course. The idea is to get the ball and chair to move, without lifting them. The ball seems obvious, right? Push it, and it goes. However, if you push the ball, it can get away easily. Remember your soccer coach? He or she told you about 'ball control' and how important it was. 

You can even try this simulation at home if you have a large activity ball. If you lean forward and use your fingers as you push, you can easily turn and stop the ball if needed, and it doesn't 'escape'. An escape with a real horse means that you have put too much pressure (see Part 1) and the horse moves away too far and/or too quickly. To solve the issue of a horse escaping, we put the smallest amount of pressure, and when we get the smallest response, we stop the pressure and add petting the horse to let them know they did the right thing. The idea is to get the horse as sensitive to human touch as they are to a fly! What would this look like for a person?

The chair is obviously going to respond differently in this activity. In the picture below, the chair has four legs, and is sitting on sand. Try to push the chair from behind, without lifting it. What happens? The back of the chair comes up, and the front legs dig deeper into that sand. What's not moving? The front legs are not moving. How do you get the legs moving while you push the chair? Give a little encouragement to the legs by pushing with your foot, for example. The chair magically slides smoothly through the sand. The idea here is that you must problem solve for something that is not moving - the opposite of the escaping ball. Determine what is not moving, and find a creative way to encourage the non-moving element. What does this look like with a person?

What part is moving more like a ball or a chair?

Take a moment to think about people, and parts of their behavior that are either a ball or a chair. When you ask your boss for a new computer monitor, is their reaction more like a ball or a chair? How about when you ask your husband to go to a movie? Kids to go to the pool? When you can determine what type of movement you are dealing with, and you are asking questions rather than reacting, you keep the ball moving slowly and within your reach, and you don't have to strain your back by lifting the chair!

A more specific example:

You wish to motivate your 18 year old daughter to finish her resume. It is almost the end of the summer, and you are not sure why she has put it off. 

1. Check in with your feelings. Are you angry? Frustrated? Afraid of her reaction to you if you talk about it? What elements are at play for you and your daughter, pressure, or pain?
2. Thank yourself for the input, and put the feelings to one side. Your goal is to motivate, and if your feelings get in the way, this can create too much pressure (escape) or pain (digging in) for your daughter, neither with desirable results.
3. Ask a question. You may need more information to determine what aspects of this issue are more like a ball or a chair for your daughter. Don't use the word, "WHY" - it puts people on the defensive. Who (can she ask for help), what (tools does she need), when (does she have time), where (can she get the information she needs, and how (can you assist), are good words to try.
4. Approach and Retreat. Tune in next week for more about how to use this tool.

Prey Animals Frustrate Predators

I've been working on my Parelli Level 2, which is the natural horsemanship I'm learning with their home-based curriculum. You can check out their curriculum at: http://www.parellinaturalhorsetraining.com/ Right now they have a sale....

Anyway, Linda Parelli said something I thought was quite brilliant: horses and other prey animals frustrate predators to stay alive. If the predator gets frustrated enough, they will give up, and that horse gets to go on living another day. 

Wow

That really changes how I understand a lot of interactions. I mean, if a horse is often losing confidence and exhibiting behaviors as a result of fear, then I'm bound to get frustrated. That is the whole point of their behavior. So what should I do? Well, I would take note of the behavior and my reaction to it, and if I feel frustrated, stressed or otherwise irritated, I can remember the purpose of this feeling from the point of a prey animal, relax, and retreat. That's the hard part - noticing the feeling withing yourself.

Next, I can take time to think about what I did, or what was in the environment, or frankly, what part of the horse's individuality, elicited the behavior. This is the fun/creative part. There are innumerable possibilities, so sort them out in a hierarchy, and pick one to try. Then try it! Remember to go through this process again until communication improves.

I bring all of this up because it seems very relevant for individuals and families as we deal with one another. So as not to offend, let's take children for example. They can be very frustrating at times. They won't eat, they hate bedtime, won't take a nap, won't pick up their things, they cry, get tired, and are downright frustrating at times. But we love them so. We have a choice here, and important one at that: we can become frustrated and ESCALATE or TAKE NOTE of how we feel. Say to yourself, "Hm, interesting. I feel frustrated."

If you are able to notice where in your body you feel frustration, that can be helpful, too. Next, remain calm. You need your frontal lobes right now, and they start to turn off the more adrenaline you make (horses are the same way). I should note, that it is usually MUCH easier to think about these things when it is NOT happening. You should plan for uncomfortable or not-pleasurable things that happen before they happen, so you can elicit a change in the moment.

Here is a helpful process from High-Fidelity Wraparound, and it is called a Functional Assessment:

1. Clearly describe the potential crisis behavior, fequency, duration and intensity:
2. What happens before the behavior occurs (triggers)? are there times/situations where the behavior does not occur? Why?
3. What happens during the behavior? Does something make it worse?
4. What happens after the behavior occurs? Is there a time when the behavior doesn't occur:
5. Best guess about whey the behavior occurs? (what's the function of the behavior). What has been successfully tried in teh past?
6. Select a positive replacement behavior.

 This is very formal, but as you practice it, it becomes second nature, and you are able to do it on the fly. Next time, I will go through the process with an example to show you how it works. If you wish, please submit a question.