Make a Difference in Someone's Life

Recently, an old friend of the family, who I've known since I was a little girl, committed suicide. He left behind three beautiful girls, and I have been wondering how something like this happens. Overall, I don't know, but in this case, I had some ideas. 

My friend was always very popular, very charismatic, and well-loved. He was very talented, he could sing and play the piano very well, and we all enjoyed his playing and singing when he would share. Despite this, he didn't call anyone and ask for help. He could have called any one of hundred of people, but he didn't. Why not?

Perhaps because he was so popular, that it was difficult for him to sort through what was real and what was not. People who are famous or rich, or in the lime-light for whatever reason, seem like they have perfect lives, but I'm wondering if it's not all that great. 

I have a hard time determining who are the good guys and who is trying to take advantage of me and my family. No matter how old I get, I still get tricked from time to time. However, take the example of the famous person - there are apt to be more bad guys trying to take advantage of them than of me. On top of that, some folks may not mean to hurt another, but just want to ride on the coat-tails of someone who appears to be doing well. 

For someone who is popular or famous and suffers from mental illness, this can be very dangerous. Even with all our faculties we still have a hard time making good judgements and choices. When some of our abilities to interpret data are damaged or not working very well, we end up with the wrong responses in our behavior. This could be as innocent as thinking someone is our friend when they really aren't, or as serious as believing we are a burden to our friends and family. 

When someone pretends to be your friend, you feel pretty icky, but imagine thinking that the people who love you the most would be better off without you around? More than icky. 

If someone you know struggles with the question of whether or not you need them, remind them. If you have an acquaintance that seems different, say something. When you walk down the street, or go in and out of a business, hold the door for someone, smile, make eye contact, be nice. Those kinds of things helps people who feel lonely and depressed to question their decision about the world, and helps them see that there is good out there. You really can make a difference in someone's life. Please try at every chance you get.

EAP and Depression

Many people come to Fresh Steps because they are suffering from depression. Depression has symptoms to include feelings of sadness, lack of interest in usual activities, poor appetite or overeating, having no energy or feeling fatigued, inability to sleep or sleeping too much, feeling hopeless, having a hard time concentrating or working, among others. See you therapist and talk about your symptoms to find out if a mood disorder describes your symptoms. You may find that medication paired with therapy helpful.

Using EAP to treat depression has one difficult part - getting to the arena to work. If you are depressed so much that you are unable to get to your appointments, you may need to see a psychiatrist for medical assistance. If you are able to make it to see the horses, talk to your therapist about how you feel, and be sure to give yourself time with your new friend, the horse.

Why the long face? Horse faces are very emotive.

If you are an EAP practitioner, be sure to give your clients time to be with their horse, and talk about how the horse feels about them. How does the horse feel today? Is the horse engaged with your today, or is the horse occupied with looking out the door or sniffing items in the arena. What does that mean about the horse, and about you?

Since self-esteem can be low with depressed mood, many comments may reflect this, such as the horse not liking me, horse is disinterested, etc. Take time to guide clients to change this feeling by noting behaviors of the horse that challenge this negative view. For example, what are some other possible feelings the horse may have? We have 8 dodge balls with opposite feelings words on each. Sometimes it is easy to just start with having an individual or family explore the feelings words and take some time to think about what each one means. It may also be helpful to see if clients notice that the words are opposites (for children). 

Feelings Balls: dodge balls with paint marker words added to each side

Having a vocabulary for the feelings one is having is essential to sharing with others. In EAP, people have the chance to show how they feel, and process feelings without talking about them. However, outside the arena, family members hope for verbal communication that will help them better understand their loved one. It is ultimately the goal to have a person feel better, but natural supports to include friends and family are necessary for prolonged healing and connection.

Activities that are a great start are feeling for breathing, where on the horse's body can you feel breathing? Sometimes we bring out the stethoscope, and allow participants to listen to breathing and heart beats. This activity helps 'center' a person, and keep them in the present moment. Adults tend to daydream about what was, or worry about what will be. Keeping them focused on the here and now with their horse will help refocus unhelpful cognition.

When there is a success, big or small, be sure to celebrate this success. This could be as simple as having a treat for the horse, or spending time in green pasture together. Be creative. This is simple, it is using positive reinforcement for the little things, like even showing up for a session despite feeling fatigued! Remember also to use retreat and approach so that clients can build trust and rapport with your therapeutic team as well as with their horse.

Part 1: Pressure vs Pain

Pressure versus pain can be somewhat difficult to intuit. Think about any time you hit your funny bone, or bump your knee on your desk. What do you do? As humans, and as predators, we generally grab the part or our body that got hurt. "Ow! I could have done without that!"

And we press on or hold the part that got hurt. This is actually a good thing at times, since if you have a cut you should apply pressure... but I digress. The point is, we move into pain. We quickly close in on pain. On the other hand, if someone is aiming at you with a water balloon, you tend to move away. We move away from pressure. 

An example of pressure and pain could be a hard rubber ball at the end of a string, and your best friend, who is a bit of a trixter, swinging it. At first, you would move away from pressure, since you know your friend will probably bonk you on the head. However, when that friend finally nails you with the ball on your head, you will grab your head with your hand. You will move into the pain. Of course, if you are quicker, you will probably grab the ball... but that ruins my example.

The first thing you can look at when someone reacts to you, is whether or not YOUR behavior was interpreted as pressure or pain. In the picture below, my horse is not moving away, but is allowing me to pet him. This seems like a neutral position. 

Neutral - touching without pressure nor pain

If I pinch my horse, what will he do? Well, I'd prefer not to experiment, but ultimately, it depends on how he interprets the feeling. When a horse feels the pinch of a girth being tightened, sometimes he turn to bite. This sounds like moving into pain. Other times, a horse may start to move away from a saddle when someone approaches. This sounds like moving away from pressure. This doesn't mean that when your horse calmly walks over to you he views you as pain!

An example of horses in a more natural environment would be when a horse pokes at his belly when he starts to colic. Moving into pain. When a horse walks away from another horse that has her ears pinned, that is moving away from pressure. In fact, that would be an example of emotional pressure, since there is no physical touch.

So, from this we learn that clients who move toward their treatment goals are moving because they or their therapist is providing them with pressure. When they leave or give up, they may have been pushed to the point of feeling pain, or too much pain.

When dealing with others, think about whether what you are doing elicits pain or pressure, and modify what you are doing to attain a more desirable result.